


Holding On

by ThirstyPlants



Category: Chen Qin Ling, Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation, Mo Dao Zu Shi, the untamed, 魔道祖师 - 墨香铜臭 | Módào Zǔshī - Mòxiāng Tóngxiù
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-29
Updated: 2019-12-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:07:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22014586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThirstyPlants/pseuds/ThirstyPlants
Summary: Awakening into melancholy after the repetitive dream of his faceless parents' deaths, desperately struggling against the infinite void of sorrow to force an expression of determined vigor, rising to get ready like every single day, almost fiercely trying to appear like nothing was amiss, reestablishing his hatred and vows of vengeance in front of his ancestors and parents, acting upon them by torturing those who follow in their murderer's footsteps, maintaining a facade of spoilt childishness and adolescent temperament to deceive the adults, persevering until the end of the day - this was how Jin Ling, barely even a teenager, spent his birthday every year, without fail.
Relationships: Jin Ling/Lan Sizhui
Comments: 1
Kudos: 71





	Holding On

Lanling Jin Sect's young master and youngest sect leader woke up a lot later than usual, a miasma of melancholy from his latest dream accompanying him into wakefulness. The gentle sunrise that rouses him every morning now only seemed obnoxious and mocking. The beautiful songs of early birds that accompanied his daily routine only sounded like jeering laughter. Even Fairy's playful bark of "good morning", which always lifted his spirits ready for a new day, was not enough to pull him out of the abysmal gloom that suffocates him on this day, every year since his birth. Today marks his 17th year of existence and the 17th year since his parents' passing.

Languidly, Jin Ling dragged himself out of bed to get ready for the day, his fitful sleep having brought him more exhaustion than rest. The young sect leader wanted nothing more than to stay in bed and let his birthday pass uneventfully. Before the clearing of Wei WuXian's name and the unveiling of his mild-mannered uncle's crimes, the young master would welcome this day vigorously, with all intent to overcome his gloom upon waking up to purposefully visit his parents' graves and reaffirm his hatred towards their alleged murderer. After valiantly vowing to crush all of the Yiling Patriarch's followers and shoot down all those who patronise him, Jin Ling, with renewed determination, will then go visit his ill tempered uncle to assist him in whatever Yiling Patriarch persecution he is busy with that day. Lanling Jin's young master then uses this strongly reinforced grudge as backbone, as support, to carry on this day with a straight back and upturned chin - a posture of pride and self-reliant strength unfit for a child.

Awakening into melancholy after the repetitive dream of his faceless parents' deaths, desperately struggling against the infinite void of sorrow to force an expression of determined vigor, rising to get ready like every single day, almost fiercely trying to appear like nothing was amiss, reestablishing his hatred and vows of vengeance in front of his ancestors and parents, acting upon them by torturing those who follow in their murderer's footsteps, maintaining a facade of spoilt childishness and adolescent temperament to deceive the adults, persevering until the end of the day - this was how Jin Ling, barely even a teenager, spent his birthday every year, without fail. He didn't mind. It was routine. This ritual has always got him through this arduous day. The hate has consistently been his driving force. And the resentment constantly gave him a purpose. The overflowing grudge allowed him to drown out that small, cynical voice - a voice that sounded so much like his own. 

But now? 

Who was he supposed to hate? To whom should he target his grudge? What vengeance could he accomplish? Where does his purpose lie?

Should he continue his life-long misplaced resentment to Wei WuXian? He has protected him countless times, willingly transferred a curse from Jin Ling's body to his own, loved his mother dearly, and sacrificed his core to JiangCheng. At the peak of his fame and triumph, this martyr went against the world to protect the oppressed, left everything he has ever known, abandoned everyone he has ever loved to do what his heart says is right. This man, who had made countless mistakes in both lives, undeniably still had more good in his heart than the political adults and hypocrites he grew up with.

Should all the blame then be put on Wen Ning's shoulders? This Wen risked his status and life to save his uncles, JiangCheng and WuXian and return to them the bodies and belongings of his grandparents, was heartlessly used as a living spirit lure and unjustly left to die. Even in death, this corpse fought off thousands of the undead to protect them young cultivators, obstinately endured JiangCheng's relentless spiritual attacks to correct the misunderstanding between the Twin Jades of Yunmeng, and looked at Jin Ling with dead eyes so full of guilt and self-reproach he doesn't think he can hate this corpse as much as it already hates itself. He was but a puppet mishandled and lost control. His heart no longer beats but it was far more pure than most of the "servants of righteousness" he's come across.

Then surely, after all is said and done, the main culprit of everything is his most beloved, favorite uncle, Jin GuangYao. This, he knew and didn't dare challenge. But this uncle of his - rotten to his very core, hateful in all his crimes and merciless even to the point of using his own nephew as shield - was the very uncle who doted on him, wiped his tears away when he couldn't help but cry, gifted him a companion when it was obvious that Jin Ling was lonely and couldn't make friends, spoiled him with treats and gifts when his other uncle became too harsh in his discipline and words. This evil uncle was one of the closest semblance to a father he has ever had. So how can he find it in himself to hate this man who showed him love, albeit unsure if genuine or not, when he thought he was but an unlovable, abandoned child? 

He couldn't hate justly. But he also couldn't forgive justly. He wanted to give up this pain and let go of this hate, to move on and be happy. 

But he wanted to hate! He does hate! There's so much hate flowing in his heart he fears it might burst. Resentment ran rampant in his system with no place to go. He hates, he hates, he HATES!!! 

Why did his parents have to die? Why did he have to grow up an orphan? Why was he the orphaned young master? The brat spoiled by both his uncles out of pity. The childish young mistress who had no maternal guidance to learn manners from. This pitiful, spoiled, ill-mannered brat didn't have to be any of these so WHY WAS HE?!?!

Who could he blame for his parents' deaths? He needed someone to hate. 

Then hate yourself.

The small, cynical voice that sounded just like his own finally broke free of its confines. 

Why did Wei WuXian even have the chance to cross paths with Jin ZiXuan again and lose control? 

Jin Ling covered his ears, ineffectively trying to drown the voice out.

Wasn't it because of you? Because it was time to celebrate cute, little Jin Ling's birth and everyone had to be there. 

There was a mocking lilt to the voice. And though he knew it was all in his head, every word pierced Jin Ling's heart.

Things were already so peaceful. Your parents were happily in love, Wei WuXian and the innocent Wens were living quietly and happily in the burial mounds. Everything was perfectly balanced and no one had any reason to attack another. 

No

But darling of the heavens, baby Jin Ling had to be born and doted on by everyone on the planet. 

The mockingly playful voice started to sound more vicious, more hateful. 

Wei WuXian wouldn't have had to come out of the burial mounds if not for you. He wouldn't have lost control and had your father killed. In the end, wasn't it you who caused your parents' demise? 

Stop it

Come to think of it, your birth was like a domino effect. As such, doesn't that mean it was also you who caused Wei WuXian's downfall? 

The voice started to laugh manically, as if finding something very amusing.

This person you've hated all your life, wasn't it actually you who wronged him? hahahaHaHaHaHAHAHAHAHAHA

STOP 

It was cackling now, bitter and deranged. Jin Ling fell to his knees, tears welling up in his eyes. He was at the cusp of Qi deviation. Resentful energy filled his body and attacked his core relentlessly. The plague he has fought against by hating Wei WuXian all these years finally seemed to win. 

Please stop.

He didn't want to die. He was just starting the path to forgiveness with his long lost uncle, only just had people he wholeheartedly considered his friends and allies, just starting a new life without the burden of grudges long past. Is he unworthy of even these things? 

I don't want to die.

But he no longer wanted to hate either. He was so tired of the burden of loathing, so sick of the pain brought by abhorrent reminiscence. 

"Young Master Jin!"

He was only starting to learn how to love. He was learning to love Uncle JiangCheng's tough love and Wei WuXian's childish gremlin antics. He was starting to tolerate JingYi's sass and ZiZhen's impudence. Just recently he…

"Young Master Jin!"

Someone was calling him. Oh? That cynical voice is gone…

"Jin Ling!!"

The voice calling him started to grow frantic, almost like it was on the verge of tears. It was a very familiar voice.

"Jin Ling! Listen to my voice! Come back to me!"

It was sobbing now. Jin Ling did not like hearing this familiar voice cry.

"A-Ling! Wake up. Please wake up…"

Drops of something wet and warm fell on his face. He was being held in someone's gentle embrace.

So warm.

Jin Ling slowly opened his eyes to see a beautiful face hovering above him, tears still dripping fat droplets on Jin Ling's cheeks. Apparently, he had collapsed on the floor and SiZhui found him curled up and writhing in pain.

"A-Ling…" came a choked sob.

"SiZhui…" reaching up a trembling hand, the young sect leader caressed his cheek and wiped the tears away from that gentle face. He slowly sat up, Lan SiZhui helping him with a worried look.

"A-Ling, you were qi deviating. When did this start? Why didn't you tell me?" 

Jin Ling didn't answer. He has been suffering from threats of Qi deviation since he was old enough to understand how his parents died. Yet he told noone, only coming up with the solution of channelling his hate to a dead person to appease the resentful energy in his system. He didn't want anyone to know. He didn't know how to tell anyone. I didn't think anyone would care…

These words were unwittingly spoken out loud. 

Surprisingly, SiZhui pulled him into his arms and declared, "I care. We care. I…" 

The Lan disciple choked on his words, wanting to comfort his beloved but not knowing the right words to say. 

I love you.

It sounded too flirty and inappropriate for the situation-

"I love you." The young sect leader buried his face into the Lan disciple's neck, tightening his arms around the others waist. He was still disoriented from the earlier episode and blurted out whatever came to mind. All he knew was that in this person's embrace, a lifetime of grudge and loathing seemed to melt away into gentleness and love. And he felt safe. 

SiZhui was surprised by the sudden confession and was momentarily stunned. After regaining his composure, he tightened his embrace, kissing the other's silky, black hair lovingly. "I love you, too." 

The two teens stayed like that for the remainder of the morning, basking in each other's embrace. Jin Ling knew that years of pent up resentful energy wouldn't be so easy to dispose of. But in the arms of his beloved, he felt like they could get through this together. With the help of the people he trusts, he will get better. And he will learn more and more how to love.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, Cucumber here! This was just a word vomit that wrote itself when I woke up in a terribly bad mood but I hope you still had fun reading Jin Ling's pain. 🙂 🙂 🙂


End file.
